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How to manage BPD and live a decent life? FROM DEATH TO REBIRTH. (Part 1)

The timing has to be right. You have heard of people who never overcome their BPD, dont even know they have any problem, dont seek any treatment and end up destroying their own lives, career, marriage and bother their near and dear ones.

Luck has to be there. I was super lucky. I was diagnosed and treated in my 20s only. Ever since I was a child, I had a history of dysfunctional life patterns: in studies, personal life, family life, social life, life choices. It affected everything. BPD hit me like a truck of bricks. It explained everything. Everything. Everything. I was relieved.

BPD is treatable. It is possible. I remember back in the early days I thought I would never recover, but today on this date - I am officially in remission.

I was personally mildly functional but then I hit rock bottom and I attacked all of my problems one by one. My treatment took around 3 years of my life. Bur most importantly 9 months of rigorous therapy and sleeping fixed me! Coincidentally, it takes 9 months for a human baby to born. And it took me 9 months too to reborn from ashes. It is literally a rebirth!

Life circumstances matter. I did not drink alcohol or smoked weed or did anything like that. I lived with my parents and my parents are conservative, so it was much easier for me to overcome BPD soon. I was also lucky enough to be doing my Master's, so I was also studying during treatment.

Willingness has to be there. In the beginning I lived in denial. I did not want to "change" myself - this is who i have been all my life. How could i change my "personality"? What the hell am I even supposed to do? Just give me some medicine and end whatever the hell is going on. But then I hit rock bottom. I did deep self introspection - my career, my marriage, my family, my goals. Do I ever want to get better or not? My biggest worry was that I would lose my "charm". Apparently, BPD makes you quite charming because you're a doormat, goofball, intense companion who is exciting, spontaneous and lovey dovey. I was upbeat, super funny, talkative, dramatic and energetic. I was life of the party kind of person, but God did I have a fucked up personal life!

Borderline Personality Disorder is also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. The keyword is "emotion". If you have BPD, check out your parents, especially your mother, her mother and her mother. There must be a history of emotional dysfunction, control, trauma, something "not right" in your bloodline. BPD is inherited and it is primarily concerned with your emotions.

BPD affected my education, life path, career path, family life, relationships, lifestyle. Basically everything. I was like a zombie going through motions fucking up my life here and there.

This is my understanding of BPD:

Everything you're going through right now is connected to your childhood. Do self introspection and see how everything that is wrong in your life has been wrong ever since you were a child. BPD runs in "patterns". It is cyclic. You dont suddenly develop it out of nowhere. You have it since childhood from age 1 or 2. It manifests in your life like a pattern. And you repeat that pattern again and again until it is finally broken.

BPD manifests in interpersonal relationships. Between parent child, child to sibling, and especially in romantic relationships. If you are lucky enough to have decent supportive partner then recovery becomes easier because BPD is PRIMARILY concerned with romantic relationships. I did not have one but I recovered sooner or later.

The core of BPD can be divided into two parts: external and internal. External manifestation of BPD can be seen in your life, relationships, education, career, lifestyle. Internal manifestation is within your emotions, psyche, perception, mind. This is what makes it so hard to treat because you have to literally break yourself into pieces and examine something that is intangible, unknown, unseen, only felt, only sensed, only "inside" somewhere your body.

Self introspection is the number 1 tool. You have to do it throughout your recovery. It will get messy. You will do emotional dumping. I regret blaming my parents and family for my problems. They did not do anything intentionally. I wish I could help my closed ones heal from their problems too, but it is a process in destiny. I did not have control over it. You will not recover unless you "blame" your parents. No matter how wonderful your parents might be, something went wrong massively.

Contd in part 2...

Part 2 of how to manage BPD and take a rebirth! Once you start talk therapy (important) and consider your whole life story, you will see patterns emerging from childhood. Now, the core of BPD is "emotional instability". It is very hard to understand but I hope it makes sense. At first the pwBPD will be in denial. Reliving the past will feel so bad. Nothing makes any sense at all. But persevere. Recall the actions and behaviors of your parents and near ones, your classmates and everyone who was there in your life. I did talk therapy via writing in notebooks and electronic docs. See what fits for you. Venting is the first step.

Recall the BEHAVIOUR of your parents and other family in your childhood-> its effect on you WHAT DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE(embarrassed/humiliated/ashamed/insulted/ego hurt/worthless/dirty) -> how similar life circumstances are TRIGGERING those deep seated EMOTIONS now. This is identification and labeling the emotion. It is not easy. You will be confused so much. But look out for solutions. Write it all down in whatever way (offline or online) seems best to you.

Google "self concept". You have to work on your self esteem, self image, self confidence, who you are - who you are not, inner calling, your work, hobbies, everything. The first step is to read and understand what these things even mean. Then make notes out of that. Then write down what it means to YOU. Then find out your qualities that fit your self concept. It is not easy too.

Recovery from BPD does not mean loss of personality. Borderline Personality Disorder sounds like you have to change your personality. No. You have to understand your emotions, your behaviour, find coping mechanisms and give it time. It never completely goes away, you just learn to manage it.

Mindfulness matters. I stopped listening to songs and music. Rumination, obsession, compulsions are hallmark of BPD. I hate that crap. With mindfulness you will be aware of exactly what you are feeling minute to minute and its correlation with your childhood.

You will realize that when you were young, your emotions were invalidated, ignored, neglected, shamed, insulted. It varies from person to person. You have to self reflect and find out who said what and how did it make you feel. Not everyone with BPD has similar life situations, but they all have similar manifestations.

It is a messy process. You will run in circles for months. Then 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Relapse of dysfunction. It is messy.

I also had Maladaptive Daydreaming. It was all interconnected. Once you start treating your internal problems, your external problems will take care of themselves. I no longer daydream or have the urge to. I dont even remember doing it and I was the same person daydreaming 7-8hours DAILY since childhood. I daydreamed at least 6 hours DAILY since my childhood. That's how messed up it was. It was my safe heaven. It was a part of my life like eating sleeping breathing. Now it is gone. I am relieved. 🙂

A pwBPD goes through at least one romantic relationship or situation for sure before diagnosis. It will show all your dysfunctions: intensity, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, oversharing everything, love sick, not being able to eat/sleep/do anything other than obsess about love, I also did maladaptive daydreaming, push pull cycles, all perfect/all bad view, sudden breakups, highest of highs and lowest of lows, validation seeking, attention seeking, wanting reassurance all the time, fear of engulfment and boredom, put my whole life on hold other than the relationship. That's all I can remember as of now.

My BPD ruined my education. I dreaded studies like anything. I was literally scared of sitting down and studying. I recalled that when i was young ever since i started school, my family was extremely strict demanding controlling insulting invalidating humiliating about studies. They called me names, shamed me for being average student and asked me 100s of questions. It was so bad. I dont remember anything in my childhood other than study study study and the trauma related to it. I hated studying. It was a torture. It was hell.

Next comes, psyche. BPD is inter psychic. You cannot have BPD without all these mental images in your mind's eye. I used to see pictures of people and their expressions in my head. I knew it was wrong but didn't know it was related to BPD. For eg, I was extremely envious of other girls. Whenever i was triggered, my mind would show me mental images of girls having fun, more fun, prettier than me, smarter than me, cooler than me. It would ruin my self esteem so bad.

I was hypersensitive to voice tones, words, body language, text messages. I used to replay the same conversation in my head 1000 times an hour and try to feel the emotion of the other person. I wanted to feel what other people feel about me so I would replay the conversations many times. It was so exhausting and frustrating. I did it compulsively without awareness. My mind was on auto pilot.

Next comes sex. I am virgin. But I have been addicted to porn, hypersexual, desperate and ashamed of my sexuality. I still have a high libido but I am not desperate. Working on my self esteem fixed it.

Next comes cognitive distortion. I used to do mind reading. Sometimes it worked really well. But I dont do it now because it takes too much energy and I dont feel the urge anymore.

lack of object permanence and forgetfulness: my memory is chef's kiss. I forget everything about my self concept everyday. No matter how much you tell me, as soon as I am alone I feel like nothing was real, like I was never loved, it was all a lie. I forget people and ny relationship with them. I would forget my career goals and could not stick to anything more than 6 hours. I would dissociate under stress and feel like I am seeing myself from behind my body. It fixed with sleeping, self concept and clear self image.

Next comes dissociation, hallucinations, nightmares, fear of ghosts. I have suffered a lot with these things especially during my childhood. It happens because of extreme anxiety. So either take medicine or meditate.

Next comes FEELINGS. My feelings were so complex that my head would feel like exploding. I would sleep 14 to 16 hours a day during my therapy period. My feelings were so intense that I would just sleep to shut them up. It was as if I had ants crawling under my skin. How did it fix? I dont know. Sleeping fixed it probably.

Contd in part 3.

All I’m focused on is bettering myself, working harder towards my goals and healing. I want so much out of life and I’ve been more at peace by forgetting about things don’t help me grow as a person.

It’s okay to still get sad about something you thought you’ve healed from.

Did a tarot card reading today, she happens to be a life coach as well. The reading was positive. Good things to come. This break up for me hasn't been easy and will continue to be a work in process but the session with her reaffirmed and assured me that I'm heading in the right direction and this experience was meant to happen to me.

This is my experience and it's going to make me a better person. Makes me be better for my next relationship. Makes me aware of what I'm looking for in my next relationship. I've found love once and I'll find love again. I loved and was loved and I'll love and be love again.

I really did loved him and I really did want us to work out. We might have been right for each other but the timing wasn't right. Maybe in our next lifetime things will work out for us.

I'll miss him, I'll miss us. We had love and were in love. We have beautiful memories to look back on.

I'm feeling really rejected at the moment. I'm feeling really really sad and rejected. Three and a half years and he didn't see me as wife material, what if he sees his new 20 year old gf as wife material? What if he sees her as worthy of being his wife and I wasn't good enough to be his wife? Suddenly he wants marriage and a family? While I'm here approaching 38 with nothing. Nothing!!

What about me? What about me?

Fuck. I'm so fucked up at the moment. I feel rejected, weak and stupid.

God I'm stronger than this. My life was fine before him and I know my life will be fine after him but at the moment I'm not feeling all that strong or grand. I feel like shit. I feel hopelessness. I will defeated. I feel tired, mind and soul. I feel lonely. I feel like I'll never find love again. I just feel so fuck and shitty.

I just want to wake up tomorrow with no memory of this. I don't want to feel like this again. I don't want to remembered anything. I want to go back 5 years ago. I just want my life and my mind back. I just want to feel like myself again.

I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself because no one is feeling sorry for me. He's isn't thinking about me. He's moved one and living his life while I'm stuck here with my fucked up feelings and mind fuckery.

I'm currently high and listening to Clam Casino.

Missed getting high with you. Chilling than fucking. Man sex while you're high is the BEST!!! We go on vacation, get high either in the bathroom or find a secluded spot somewhere, get high, walk back to the hotel, chill than fuck. The sex was so intense, so good!!

I missed sex. I missed the feeling of having someone in me and on top of me.

Dear Lord these are the characteristics I'm looking for in my next partner:

Good listener, have emotional stability for those tough conversations, kindness, humility, sense of humor, funny, have smphaty, empathy, patience, wants a family, marriage, goals, good job, tall, big built, beard, maybe some tats, oh can't regret good judgments, loyalty and honesty. 4/20 friendly on weekends and while we're on vacation.

Amen 🙏

It's been the longest winter without you

I didn't know where to turn to

See somehow I can't forget you

After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock

Who's there no one

Thinking that I deserve it

Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me

It's time I let you go

So I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you

Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Leona Lewis - Better In Time

I cannot be bothered starter pack.

Inspired on sotce's one.